16/05/2017
At a minimum.

Words by

Ally Parker

Along with bra-ownership, there necessarily comes a few unshakeable truths.

Some are gross (the sniff test) while some are good (surprise cleavage popcorn). But trustiest of all is the fact you probably have a bra for every occasion, no matter how humdrum. 

Here are the eight different bras you own (at a minimum).

1. The Behati Prinsloo, eat your heart out bra

There’s no other way to cut it. When you wear this bra, you feel like a supermodel. Named after one of Victoria’s Secret’s leggiest beauties, the Behati Prinsloo, eat your heart out bra causes astronomical ego boosts and an increased belief in one’s ability to seduce musicians. 

Not drummers though, you’re a goddess after all. 

2. The I don't feel like wearing a bra bra

Paying homage to the phrase ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that', the I don't feel like wearing a bra bra has no underwire, no lace and definitely no qualms. This pseudo-bra usually takes the shape of a crop top, has an indestructible stain or two and is best worn under a jumper or thick material ’cause, you know, nips. 

3. The my shirt is kind of see-through bra

If you’re male and have stumbled across this article by accident, lean in, we’ve got a secret to share. Ready? Sometimes women have to buy a new bra for one single outfit. 

The my shirt is kind of see-through bra is one of these, as intentionally transparent clothing is still in vogue and as a result, many a lady has had to procure a new bra to match. This bra is generally good looking but only in a 'don't look too close' kind of way. 

Also in this category, the bra you wear when the #OOTD borders on threadbare. 

4. The barely together bra

Also known as the no one told you there’d be days like this bra, the barely together bra is a testament to floundering adulthood and NGAF. Bras are expensive. More expensive than housing, avocado and hopes/dreams combined. Therefore we all have a bra in our closet – making the rounds more than we’d care to admit – held together by safety pins, super glue and the occasional pagan ritual. 

5. The medieval torture device

The medieval torture device is uncomfortable because of a) its design or b) a design fault (in which case it becomes a close cousin to the 'barely together’ bra). 

Strapless bras come under category a) due to the fact they’re less supportive, and more abusive, than wrapping a scorpion-filled plastic bag ’round your midsectsh. Let’s also not forget most balconette, sports and half-cup bras, all of which cause large-busted ladies to collapse into fits of laughter. 

Category b) is entirely made up of bras whose underwire has escaped and, like an alien monster, is trying to bury its way into your body (and soul). Every woman has at least one bra that makes her angry. And this is it.

6. The old faithful

If any item of clothing could get you through a rough day, it’s this one. Likely a T-shirt bra, the old faithful sits comfortably, like a warm hug and chamomile tea. It ensures optimum perk without being in your face, doesn’t need constant readjustment and won’t judge you if/when you go hard on a Pizza Rounda for lunch. 

7. The too trendy bra

Front criss-crossed bras and lace bralettes come screamingly under this category. Someone on Pretty Little Liars or Riverdale wore it once and you got suckered. Hard. Likely purchased at Urban Outfitters with exorbitant shipping fees, this bra does a lot for your Instagram and conveniently, also for masseurs, whom you’ll have to visit due to lack of support/regret. 

Special shoutout goes to obvious money suck, the magic stick on push up bra. Don’t lie, you’ve been tempted by this on the ’gram. 

8. The there’s a chance someone else will see this bra

This bra is a total show-off. The bra of big dates, nights out and Events with a capital ‘E’, this bad boy is pretty, creates tasteful cleavage (as opposed to the butt-in-the-front effect), sports lace and, while related to the medieval torture device, is far enough removed that you can go through a whole night with minimal rescue scoops. 

We should probably clarify that by “someone else,” we of course mean someone new. If you’re months deep in below-the-shirt exposure, you’ll be treated to any of the above bras. 

Illustration by Twylamae who makes T-shirts for over all your eight bras.

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