Oh, the humanity.

Words by

Bianca O'Neill

As the champagne highs and mirror selfie lows from last week’s VAMFF fade, I’m still recovering from one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I, a blogger, wore 100% of my own clothes to VAMFF. 

It was horrible, you guys.

Let me break this confusing and off-brand experience down for you, day by day, so you too can experience the roller coaster that is wearing your own clothes out in public.

Hold on tight, it’s going to get rough up in here.

Day 1: No one will suspect a thing if I wear all black

After five days of panic attacks about the fact I only own 21 dresses to choose from for Day 1, I decide to go all black. After all, this is Melbourne and it’s hard to make your way onto a worst dressed list in black. I think.

I choose a pair of black bellbottoms and a long-line black blazer from two different high street brands, and cobble myself together a ’70s suit situation. I leave my bra at home in the hope that at the very least, I might get photographed for a nip slip. 

I mean, if you’re not photographed at VAMFF you might as well be dead.

A photographer who is snapping for Vogue stops me enthusiastically and asks to take an outfit pic. I stalk up and down the promenade like a flamingo missing a kneecap, and he still seems enthusiastic until he asks me what I’m wearing. I list three devil brands that aren’t sold on Net-A-Porter. I don’t get in Vogue. 

I consider lying next time, just to see whether the Vogue editors would actually know.

Day 2: Kim K gets photographed a lot, why don’t I just dress like her?

I mean, I’ve got a similar ass on me, so why not?

Again, I trawl my wardrobe for a bunch of black stuff so I can pretend I’m “chic” and “don’t care.” I end up deciding to layer a v tight navy dress over a black pleated skirt. 

What else does KK wear… Sock boots! Corset chokers! Dark lips! I layer all of it on, greedily, without restraint, like an influencer at a gifting suite. 

I arrive at VAMFF and every WAG up in here is getting photographed in Kardashian Kouture Kollection rip-offs. I’m being ignored heavily. I either need to install some fake boobs quick smart or find a footballer husband if I am to achieve my lifelong #dream of being paid attention to by photographers at VAMFF. 

I begin scheming to sneak eyedrops into Bec Judd’s champs.

Day 3: Alright that’s it, I’m getting the Gucci out

It’s time for the big guns: my Gucci is coming out. I assume a million photographers will swarm around me as I exit my limousine Uber and I’ll coyishly glance up from behind my dark sunglasses, thus delivering the perfect street style shot.

Someone else wears a less expensive Gucci snake bag and horrid snakeskin pants (GET IT! SNAKE REF!) and thus courts the swarm. 

I cry into five or six rosés as someone tells me my bag is too large to be current. I tell them my husband offered to buy me Gucci and I just chose the biggest one I could see because I’m a greedy, greedy Gucci pig.

Day 4: This is me, giving up

Fuck it. I’m busting out my best Justin Bieber cap and comfy oversized tee. I’m too old for this shit. 

A photographer stops me as I whisk past the Lavazza bar – I assume she’s asking me for directions, but instead she wants an outfit pic. 


Follow Bianca’s off-brand Instagram in which she wears all her own clothes (oh my god how embarrassing) at @_thesecondrow.

Leave a comment


I Bailey, being of sound mind and OK body confess the following.
For when you're just not ready to delete.
We've come a long way since the old suit and tie.
Exploring the Fashion and Textiles collection.
And it’s a little different to her usual.
The 'fashion trend' is dead. Instagram killed it.
Curating the exhibitions, seminars, runways and parties just for you.
ModiFace will help you browse, try and buy.
The one that was held in a carpark.
The one where I outfit repeated.
Presented by Target and Supported by Fashion Journal.
"At least I can take really awesome pics of my shoes..."
The one where street style steps up.
The one where I tried (and failed) to look effortlessly cool.
A celebration of the strength and diversity of Australia's fashion industry.
Curious Birdy & S.Rush collaboration collection.
NB: some of these lessons were learned the hard way.
Really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
Celebrating bigger and better than ever.
A definitive guide to Adelaide's most Insta-worthy spots.
That time I tried Tinder for 24 minutes.
Follow these steps and you’ll officially be a blogger, just like everyone else.
LA does alright, if you do it right.
The street style in Sydney is fierce.
The street style is fierce in Sydney.
Flat-laying is officially a sport.
Get ready for Australia's premiere fashion event.
Let us take a moment to reflect on the inspiring week that has been. In GIFs.
VAMFF comes to a close with Romance and Bush Magic.
Converse kicks on the runway? Thumbs up always.
The best part of fashion week.
We really, really wanted to reach out and feel the models (and yes we know how weird that sounds).
"I like the idea of how we as Australians are really in awe of everything that’s going on overseas, but really we take a...
"We looked at Japanese Bosozoku girls, which is an underground subculture of female biker gangs in Japan."
"I guess I feel a bit, not like the underdog, but I am very different to everyone else here."
"Well it was quite interesting last year, the fire alarm was set off by a steamer and we all had to evacuate."
"Not for the fainthearted, but for today's fashionkilla."
'You are never going to see us do the same sort of thing or send the same thing down the runway."
"But this is the pinnacle, the most important award in the country."
Melbourne Fashion Festival off to a fiery start.
Not too busy to visit us Melbourne kids.
Calling all uni students/fashion lovers/trend spotters/social media addicts.
The future of Australian fashion is right here...
This is going to make for one jam-packed festival.
TOME, ètre cècile and Martin Grant are coming home for VAMFF.
A inside look into behind the scenes of VAMFF.
A cultural night out for the fashion lover.
Rumy Neely has launched her own line, embodying her personal style.
This is for my peeps and the freaks in the front row.
Last night’s MSFW: Designer Runway One was everything you dreamed of as a little girl.
Benefit Cosmetics summoned beauty bloggers court - for being too sexy