I simply cannot believe it!!!

Words by

Eliza Sholly

Ah, Episode Two. The one where you kind of get to know the girls’ names, but you also kind of forget every single one from week one. It’s good to be back. 

We open with a windswept Jen Hawkins, walking, nay, strutting down a desolate alleyway. First of all, who the hell can look so glam walking in thigh-high boots? When I wear mine, my friends call me Mr Tumnus due to my inability to walk like a normal human being.

Second of all, can this cameraman quit the filming bizz and follow me around to take candid insta pics?

Third of all, whoever is holding up the fan for her hair must have really sore arms by now.

She arrives at the house and is greeted by shock and awe from the girls. It’s almost as if they've forgotten they're on a show that Jennifer Hawkins is the host of!!! Guys!!! Can you believe it!!! We are in a modelling competition and a judge from said competition is walking through the house that we are all staying in!!! For the competition!!! I simply cannot believe it!!!

Well you better believe it girls, because glamazon Jen is about to tell you that this week is all about ‘modelling under pressure.’ Why you ask? Because you will be modelling for the show's number one sponsor, Colgate.

*Side note: This is where the show turns from a contest about modelling into a game of ‘how many times can we subtly say the word Colgate without it sounding suss?’*

Colgate girl enters.

She informs the girls that they will be creating a 12-second video for social media about the new Colgate Optic White High Impact White Toothpaste.

Blonde girl Daisy tells the camera that she has ‘totally got this’ because she ‘loves smiling’ and ‘has always had such pretty white teeth.’ I hope your modelling is as good as your modesty, hunni.

So, what’s the prize you ask? Well the WINNER will become the BRAND AMBASSADOR for COLGATE OPTIC WHITE HIGH IMPACT WHITE TOOTHPASTE.

And suddenly, like a weird game of musical chairs, every girl has a team:

Team One: Laura, Aleyna and Jordan
Team Two: Jessie, Victoria and Sabine
Team Three: Daisy, Kassidy and Belinda
Team Four: Christy, Summer and Linnea

The brainstorming stage commences and it is very interesting. Daisy has still ‘totally got this’ and shy girl Sabine is being overshadowed by the two extroverts in her team. C’mon shy girl Sabine. You got this.

Now what we’ve all been waiting for: the filming stage. I think many of us will recall a certain meltdown in the US version of these advertising campaigns? Special shout out goes to the girl who copped Tyra Banks’ infamous ‘I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU HOW DARE YOU!’

Much to my dismay, however, these girls are co operative, professional and put together. Damn.

Filming of the COLGATE OPTIC WHITE HIGH IMPACT WHITE videos continue without a hitch, minus one teary from horse-lover Christy and struggles from my girl Sabine who feels a little left out of her group.

While the girls are being critiqued for these videos, it dawns on me that I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much red lipstick in my life. I make a mental note to buy some, even though I know I won't be able to pull it off.

Team One receives their feedback and poor Laura has (probably) made the biggest mistake of her career. She got the product name wrong. I think this is basically against the law in the world of sponsorship and brand ambassador-ness. HOW DARE SHE NOT REMEMBER THE EXTRA WHITE AT THE END OF COLGATE OPTIC WHITE HIGH IMPACT WHITE. C'MON LAURA I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU HOW DARE YOU!

To add insult to injury, the overall challenge winner is her teammate Jordan. Ugh, she pulls of red lipstick so well.

Number of times COLGATE OPTIC WHITE HIGH IMPACT WHITE toothpaste was mentioned: 31
Number of times a girl called herself an ‘introvert’ and said she ‘isn’t good at this sort of thing’: 6

Photoshoot time.

We’re at a racing track and horse-lover Christy is very excited. However, her excitement is overpowered by MINE, because their guest on the Photoshoot is Australian supermodel, lingerie designer and FRIENDS guest star, Elle Macpherson.

The only person fangirling more than me is Kassidy, who literally cannot even at the sight of Elle. I feel you sister.

I will note that the person holding the hair fan during Elle’s entrance must also have arms of steel.

The shoot begins and the horse just is not having it today. His sass is evident and he is making a lot of the girls nervous.  None are more nervous than horse-lover Christy however, who is feeling the pressure from her low challenge score. Unfortunately, after her performance, I get the feeling her future in the competition is not so stable (lol, get it?). It’s a shame this show isn’t Australia’s next top puns because I would win for sure.

Panel time.

I’m sorry but I reckon the reason Alex Perry constantly wears sunglasses is because he is blinded by of ALL THE DAMN SHADE he throws. Every year I forget how brutal he can be and I absolutely love it.

Alex Perry highlights include:
To Summer: “You were put on notice after your photoshoot last week because it was pretty terrible.”
To horse-girl Christy: “Your hand is a bit clawed."
To Kassidy: “It’s just middle of the road for me.”
To my girl Sabine: “You got on a horse, not a pterodactyl. Calm down.”

Suddenly, it seems that everyone has just remembered that this is a competition and someone must go home. The Bottom Two sees Summer and Laura, two equally beautiful girls who can both do something I cannot - pull off red lipstick.

Laura’s photo seems the lesser of the two to me, which I like to think is the reason that she would go home, and not because she made the crucial error of mispronouncing COLGATE OPTIC WHITE HIGH IMPACT WHITE during the challenge. If only the gods of product placement were on her side.

Alas, Laura, it’s time to bid farewell. You’re still beautiful and you still look glam AF in red lipstick. Work it till the end of time, girl.

Leave a comment


Involving allegations of sexual abuse, humiliation, racism and more.
It seriously makes me question the term ‘influencer’.
Like an all-female episode of The Amazing Race.
I would have passed out and required Miranda Kerr CPR.
I am watching this show literally yelling “I CAN’T” at the TV.
Migraines and head colds just don't cut it anymore.
All long limbs and nervous faces.
Help because we are freaking out right now.
A list of the stranger fash collabs out there.
Because you just don't get the credit you deserve.
The girls head to New York to meet Coco Rocha and Nigel Barker. Living the dream.
The girls go equally nuts for Megan Gale and toothpaste.
Cheyenne got her sass on, Brittany went full bogan and Lauren kept the boys guessing who.
Who said you have to be good at art to be an artist?
The one where the journalists ask all the really dumb qs. Oh and Jean Paul Gaultier.
Cronut : [kroh-nuh t, -nuht] def : a brand name for a pastry made from croissant dough that has been deep-fried and shaped into...
Lane Bryant CEO Linda Heasley to change the conversation about plus-size.
See Flanders repping Yeezy and Bart looking steez.
Because you shouldn't feel out of place, even when you can't afford it.
Diesel takes on an out-of-this-world challenge... capturing models smiling.
"Kim, all these furs have to be long enough to be draggin' on the floor."
Because hanging decorations on Christmas trees is so 2013...
Tumblr's most popular models of this year.